Obssessed

Seriously – who am I trying to fool?

I´ve heard it. Many, many times. From my mother, my father, my friends and family. From blog-friends, blog-writers, blog-readers. Even anonymous. Will I ever wake up?!

I just feel so stupid. I mean, while I´m at school or doing something else – watching life passing by – I try to forget and avoid this kind of subject. In my head, everything´s just so normal. If I´m eating out, I must choose something to please who I´m eating with. When I´m back home, all I have to do is restrict. Make meals smaller. Which means a plate that´s already on the smaller side…

MO70AD~1

Turns into this:

MO711B~1

And it keeps getting smaller. It´s a vicious cycle – it´s neverending, and it´s addicting. I swear it takes me no more then a few secong to cut a baked sweet potato on half and deciding to leave the bigger amount on the fridge. It´s like playing hide-and-seek – only, this time, all by myself.

Have you ever noticed I have a small “quiche-problem”? It´s not passion. It´s an addiction that has became a habit. Quiches paired with salads have became my ultimate comfort food – it tastes good, and I can tell others I´m not avoiding carbs. But it seems that, each day, the size of my quiche slice gets smaller. And the side salad, lighter. The “less-fatening”, the better.

And all of that was normal. In my world, it all revolves around school. The person I´ll be in the future, brazilian´s “vestibular” (something like the SATs, only you have to do them to get into a good college), and all kinds of studies. And, don´t ask me why – but I have became obssessed with school, too. Nobody talks about chemistry, physics, history or even maths more then me. I kid, I complain – but I just can´t stop talking about it. Again – it´s an addiction. It´s not healthy at all.

The most frustrating thing about this is that I knew something was wrong. That doing what I was doing – eating what I was eating – was not normal. But I kept ignoring, I kept avoiding. Until… well, tonight.

This is a wake up call. Not like the others I may have had in the past – those were more like kicks and punches on my face. But what was the point? Recovery is something you have to do for yourself, by yourself. Yes, family members and even medical help can be great if you have it/them, but you must WANT to get better. I´m sorry about the creepy allusion, but it´s like going to the bathroom – nobody can do it in your place.

I´m sorry, guys. I really am. For taking your time, making you worry… You´ve been the best friends (blog-friends, whatever) ever. Let me see if I can name a few lovies here:

Gabriela (my older blonde twin, haha), from Une Vie Saine. I don´t think I´ll ever be able to thank you enough. You helped me through my darkest moments, and meeting you was definetely one of my best memories from my trip to NY. I love you tons, girlie!

Amanda, from Seek. I have never heard of a sweeter girl. She´s been trying to convince me to get better for MONTHS now, because, for some mysterious reason, she cares about me. While reading her comments, I feel like beeing hugged. It feels warm, and good. Again – I don´t think I´ll be ever able to thank you enough. I really wish I could meet you in person – I already love you, girl!

Amy, from Please Don´t Eat Me. She has been such a sweetheart! We discovered each other´s blog a little while ago, and I was amazed by her story. I never guessed she would later contact me, and start exchanging thoughts and stories! We even found a few similarities and fun facts about each other. I just love talking to her – and it´s so amazing that, somehow, she always writes me back! Love you, lady!

Jessica, from A Student Kitchen. I´ve read her blog for a long time, but I was never brave enough to write a proper comment. Then, when I did, it was such a surprise – she wrote me back, and kept contacting and advicing me! I felt so honored – she was one of my favourite bloggers, and as she lived (and still does, duh) in England, I felt that “untoucheable, unreacheable” feeling. It was just wonderful when I found out she was as kind and sweet as I thought – maybe even more. I truly want to meet you someday – you already hold a special place in my heart, girlie!

Christina, from Christina Butter and Ameena, from Fancy That, Fancy This. They´re both just such sucessful bloggers, and I´d never dream of them writing me back. And not just “only because” – they did have real comments to do and advices to give me. I feel so blessed for receiving feeback from such inspirational characters and amazing women. Thank you so much, ladies!

I beg your pardon, but I still have chemistry test tomorrow (and a physics one the next day…), so I won´t be able to thank every single one of you who helped me so much during all this time. Just a quick note: thanks Shannon, from Tropical Eats, Katie from Lil Veggie Patch, Scott, from Scott:recovered and Katie, from Faith Food & Fitness.I´m so thankful and I love you all, too!

And last but not least, I´d like to thank the anonymous commenters. I am lucky enough to say I have never received a bad comment in my life – you know, the ones on the mean side, to make you feel like crap. So, again – you´re awesome, guys!

These will be the “before” eats – let´s hope the “after” eats to be a bit more… real.

“Breakfasts”

MOED7F~8

MOTO_0~3

DSCF3826

[and yes – those are PB teaspoons]

(Unfinished) “Lunches”

MOEE6B~8

MO36E0~1

with

MO3692~1

MO7381~1

“Dinners”

MO5537~1

MO7466~1

[minus the bread, obviously]

Anyhow… I´m sure it´ll be slow. But I think I´m determinated to make it work, this time. I want to do this – not only for myself, but for everyone around me. I know they care about me, and that´s why they keep fighting and arguing with me. Actually, not me – my ED. And I love them like crazy for even trying.

Wish you all a wonderful week, people. Life´s good, after all!

XOXO

G.

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10 Comments

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10 responses to “Obssessed

  1. Aw sweetie, while I'm sorry you're going through this, I'm so glad that you're finally realizing that you need to conquer it. I've been worried about you every time I read a post, because you haven't been giving your body the fuel it needs. You remind me so much of myself at your age- obsessed both with school and with your weight. It's good to want to do well in school, but when it becomes all you think about, it's not healthy. Take it from someone who knows- at one point in high school I was both the skinniest girl in the class, and had the highest GPA, and I was the most miserable I've ever been in my life. You focus on YOU girl- nothing is worth it if it's not making you HAPPY!!! I can tell you really love spending time with your family, so keep doing a lot of that- they're the people who love you the most and will support you through anything!!

    Big hugs girl, I'm always just an email away 🙂 Love you!!

  2. Oh, hun… this post made me both incredibly sad and incredibly happy. Sad because my heart aches that you're caught in that vicious obsessive cycle; I know all too well what it was like there. The obsessions with food. The obsessions with weight. The obsessions with school. Always wanting/needing to be better at restricting, or studying. The voice in your head never being satisfied, so the next meal has to be smaller… the next grade has to be better. It's a completely miserable place and I'm so sorry that you're finding yourself there.

    But at the same time, your post makes me incredibly happy because I can see an honest desire to get better in your words. It's like the light finally turned on in your mind, allowing you to see things for what they really are. They need to change, and I've no doubt that they'll start.

    I can't wait to see your new and improved meals 🙂 I know you're strong enough to do this, girl, and you DESERVE to do this for yourself ❤

  3. I can't begin to tell you how happy I am to see you changing your eating for the better. I know where you are at, and believe me it WILL get better. It takes so much courage, and you are so brave. The results will be grand, I promise 🙂 You deserve so much more than you are allowing yourself.

    And knowing that my comments have helped makes speechless! I am so happy 🙂

    Praying for you,

    Scott

  4. jamandjessica

    Awww honey…I'm so proud of you right now. It's hard to admit the cycle of restriction and it takes a lot of courage to stand back and look at what you are doing. You can do this lovelie! You can get better, I believe in you!
    There are so many people in the blog world and the 'real' world who love you lots and we're all here for you 110%!

    Lots of hugs and I hope you have a GREAT (Hump)Wednesday!!!!

    lots of love xxxxxxxx

  5. You are such a beautiful soul. You have just completed the first step to recovery by admitting that you have this issue, but also more importantly that you WANT to make a change. You are beautiful on the inside and out. You were created the way that you are specifically for a purpose. You may not understand why you are going through this hard time, but I believe that it is for the benefit of others. I believe that by others reading your blog they can relate to you and realize that there is hope even when you are in your darkest time. Remember that once you hit the bottom, there is nowhere else you can go but up. 🙂

  6. I'm so happy that you've decided to fight this and work towards recovery. You're such a amazing and strong girl, I know you can do it!

    You've made my day with your sweet comment. You have a great blog too and I'd never dream of not reading it!

    If you ever need anything, you can always email me!

    xoxo

  7. Aww I am so hoping that you will recover, love! I know it will be tough but you DO have it in you to get better!

  8. I'm so sorry you're going through this, Gabriela. We're here for you!

  9. I'm praying and thinking about you girly. I know you can do this. You are strong and you WILL make it through this. Keep your head up!!

  10. hang in there, girl!

    thinking about you — HUGS!

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