Feeling Fat

Ok..

So, I guess most of you know what I´m talking about.

Yesterday, I had a real “Fat Day”.

And, when I say real, I mean, real tough.

Allow me to explain:

I´ve been sent to my Dad´s house so I could be watched 24/7. In order to recover and to stop fighting with Mom, I didn´t complain. And I´m technically here since Saturday.

I know it´s been least then a week – but it feels like I already spent A YEAR here. Not kidding.

Anyhow. Mom assumed that, since I´m here, my Dad/Grandma/Uncle would watch my eats. But the real thing is… they don´t.

So… I tried to increase my calorie intake by myself. I thought it was working – Dad seemed to be proud. I was trying my best to keep ED-thoughts away… And I felt pretty normal. I felt good.

Until…

Well. I saw Mom while at “Grandma 2”´s house. She smilled at me, but stayed distant. I did the same.

Only, a few minutes later, she called me.

“I just wanted to tell you I´m proud of you”, she said.

“You look beautiful. More relaxed, calm… And I see glow inside your eyes. I can tell you´re eating more. Aren´t you? I could tell. Oh, gosh. I can´t wait until this is all over.”

Strike One.

I felt weird. Happy, but sad at the same time. Just… confused.

When I got back at Dad´s house, though…

It happend.

Strike Two.

I was at Grandma´s bathroom (Grandma 1, this time), brushing my teeth (the other bathroom was beeing cleaned). When I was finished, I looked down for some reason. That´s how I found it.

My Grandma´s scale, super high-tech and classy. It called me. I started thinking twice, but my feet were faster. I had already stepped in.

I looked down, one more time.

“HOLY. CRAP.” were my exact thoughts.

I didn´t care about the fact that I was wearing heavy jeans, a sweater and a coat plus my cellphone in my back pocket. I just felt… gigantic. Enormous. Bad… Fat.

The number on the scale should have pleased me – one step closer to recovery, and one step closer to England! – but it didn´t. At least, not the part of my mind that took me over at that moment – ED.

A million things crossed my mind:

– I shouldn´t have eaten that second plate of cauliflower.

– I shouldn´t have drank that Light Zero-Calorie Iced Tea.

– I should have eaten less at breakfast.

– Why did I eat so much strogonoff? It´s not even low-cal!

– WHAT´S WRONG WITH ME?!

– and more…

But you got the idea. I felt like crap.

Through the rest of the day, I only ate dinner. At 7:40pm, when Dad left the house.

Nobody was watching me.

I just feel so stupid right now!

Why am I trying to LOOSE weight?!

Mom wants me to GAIN 14 POUNDS!

What the heck am I doing?

I just wonder why… Why is it so hard.

I´ll let you see what I´ve been eating. And letting you guys be the judge.

FRIDAY

After-Party Snack

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1/3 non-fat yogurt with cinnamon and a few mango slices on the side

SATURDAY

Breakfast

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YMIAJ – 3/4 container of non-fat yogurt, 1/2 crumbled granola bar and crunchy PB leftovers

Lunch

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Cooked cassava, steamed frozen veggies (broccoli, carrots and cauliflower), grilled chicken, a tbsp of toasted manioc flour (brazilian´s farofa), a scoop of black beans and Light Iced Tea on the side

Dinner

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Steamed frozen veggies, cooked cassava, grilled chicken (plus ~tbsp of ketchup)

SUNDAY

Breakfast

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A slice of whole wheat bread with a tbsp of cottage cheese, with 1/2 glass of non-fat milk and ~tbsp of chocolate powder

Snack

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An apple

Lunch

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~3 tbsp of white rice and chicken strogonoff, with sliced heart-of-palms and Light Iced Tea on the

“Dinner”

 moto_0734

“Corn on the cob” while at June´s Party

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A mango

MONDAY

Breakfast

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A pear and a slice of honeydew melon

Lunch

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Steamed frozen veggies, cooked cassava, sliced heart-of-palms, chicken strogonoff, ~2 tbsp of white rice and a side of Light Iced Tea

Dinner

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Steamed frozen veggies, heart-of-palms, chicken strogonoff and half a sweet potato

TUESDAY

Breakfast

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A pear

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Coffee with non-fat milk, whole wheat mini-baguette with ~tsp of requeijão (brazilian cheese spread)

Lunch (at a japanese/chinese restaurant)

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Baked kabocha, steamed japanese veggies, broccoli and cauliflower, bean salad, sliced cucumber, eggplant, mini-soy burguer, plus…

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Salmon sushi, White Fish sushi, Sweet Potato sushi, Shiitake sushi and Massago roll-piece.

Dinner

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Slice of cottage cheese+ricotta+heart-of-palms+spinach whole wheat flour quiche (phew!), steamed cauliflower, cherry tomatoes and sliced heart-of-palms…

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And I came back for more cauliflower (it´s the first time I´ve had seconds in YEARS, YAY!). Ate everything with a side of Light Iced Tea

WEDNESDAY

Breakfast

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Apple, mango slices

Lunch

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Chicken strogonoff leftovers, mashed pumpkin, whole wheat quiche, steamed cauliflower

Dinner

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Grilled chicken, mashed pumpkin, steamed cauliflower

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… With a glass of Light Iced Tea on the side

THURSDAY

Breakfast

moto_0778

Mango slices, Honeydew melon slice

Lunch

moto_0780

Steamed cauliflower, ~2tbsp of white rice, 1/2 scoop of black beans, a tbsp of mashed pumpkin, cooked cassava,  slice of spinach frittata and grilled chicken

Dinner

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Steamed cauliflower, cooked cassava, whole wheat quiche, slice of spinach frittata…

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With a glass of Light Iced Tea on the side.

Hm… I guess that´s it.

Oh, and I snapped a few pics while having fun with Lelê…

During my brief “carefree” phase.

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(Too much zoom – oops!)

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Gotta love my little sister!

But don´t worry, lovies.

I´m not giving up.

🙂

I´ll be back soon, ok?

See y´all!

XOXO

G.

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12 Comments

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12 responses to “Feeling Fat

  1. Anonymous

    This is going to seem harsh but it's the truth. You're clearly not trying hard enough. There's no way you think that's enough food. You're hardly fighting your ED and it's frustrating to read about. If you won't think of the life you're wasting, at least think of your sister and the example you're leaving her regarding how much a growing girl should eat. Stop eating diet products. Stop filling up on veggies. I find it ridiculous that your parents are letting you–or your ED–get away with eating so little. People are always going to be triggering. You have to develop a thick skin and keep your eye on the prize: health.

  2. Hun… I'm so sorry that you were struggling with body image, but you really do have to try harder not to let that kind of thing influence your behaviors… because from the looks of things, you're really not putting any effort into recovery at all 😦 You eat nothing but fruits, veggies, and no-fat yogurt, and in such small amounts that it makes me want to cringe.

    One of the worst things you can do is fool yourself into thinking you're trying to “recover”, when you're really not getting any better at all. Beating an ED is a fight; one of the hardest ones you'll ever have to face. It means doing things that make you uncomfortable and dealing with the anxiety in a healthy way, because you can't recover if you keep appeasing your ED and trying to recover “safely” by eating only veggies and fruits. You NEED to face your fears and push out of your comfort zone. Trust me, hun… life is better on the other side.

  3. girl you are so, so, so incredibly sick. please go get help! you are dying. i really want you to get help very very soon. ed is taking over your thoughts and how you treat people, stop ruining your life girl. ❤ praying for you

  4. Gabriela… you look sick. you do girl, and i hate being harsh, but you really do. please please please go to IP, forget England, forget trips of any kind except to the doctors office. get yourself better, for your sister, for your future brother or sister.. for yourself.
    you know inside that you are not going to be able to do this by yourself, dont be ashamed or anxious about reaching out for help either.
    i know that your parents won't always understand how you feel or why you feel the way you do, but you need to let them try.
    you all need to go to appointments together, as a family so they know how to help you.
    but you've got to try, you arent fat at all, i noticed in the last few pictures of yourself, your jeans are too big.. and im sure you are drowning in your tops.. so theres no need to lose anymore weight.
    you can do it, but you can't do it alone..
    *hugs*

  5. Anonymous

    you need to have more than fruit for breakfast. im sorry im being harsh, but its true. thats not anything nutritious. you need carbs and fat.

  6. I don't want to focus this comment on your food, but you asked for advice so I want to give you some. I will tell you that from what you post, your portions aren't nearly enough to get the calories you need. 3 T of stroganoff or half of a chicken breast is just not enough. I know how ED makes us think “oh, but it is the perfect size it is x oz. and that is what I need” but that is so totally off base. Always remember that you are trying to GAIN weight, and your ED, who is trying to control your intake, wants to loose.

    I am so sorry you are struggling these past few days. I know how hard it can be when you try to do everything right, or have a support system that fails, it is devastating. I just want to let you know that there is an end in the future, but to get there you will have to do things that are uncomfertable. ED will scream the whole way there with those thoughts you posted at the beginning here, but they will go away in time. Trust me, and trust in yourself. You can do this!!

    Sending prayers and support your way,

    Scott

  7. My dear…I was going to comment as well about your intake…it's certainly not enough. But I see that many wise ladies above me have already given you a lot of great advice. PLEASE listen to them. Going to England…you can go anytime. You will NOT have a good time there if you're so unhealthy, mentally and physically. Please focus first on your health, not on England, or some physical goal, but your inner happiness and freedom from this vicious disease. It is a hard road, for sure, but do persist on. And PLEASE increase your intake. That is simply not enough!

  8. try oats my dear! They are a great way to boost your energy in the morning. I promise they'll change your life! Throw in some blueberrys and some maple syrup to make them more fun. Wraps are also great for lunch..and a lot lighter than a big ol sammich. It's all about balance <3

    Caitlin from HTP tweeted something the other day that really struck with me.. ” love it when you say “That celebrity is so hot” & a man replies “She would look better with 10 + pounds and didn't wear so much makeup.”

    It is soooo true. think about it girly! hope this helps a little bit ❤

  9. Wish I had the right words. But I don't. Sending happy thoughts your way though! Hope you find the right balance. I can relate to your mindset a bit, although I tend to go the OTHER WAY. The eating I feel guilty about tends to come in the form of ice cream. A LOT of it.

  10. You're in my thoughts and prayers sweetie! Keep moving ahead! Keep fighting! You know that you can beat this! You co-create your life! Start living it! XOXO
    Make YOURSELF proud and be the person you want to be!
    Barbara

  11. Girl you are BEAUTIFUL and NOT fat. Seriously. Your eats are extremely healthy and you should eat more!! I'm here if you need me but do not EVER think you're fat.
    Plus if I do visit Rio I want to see you healthy and happy!!

  12. Girlie, I could write so many things in response to this. However, I think it comes down to one thing: You are gorgeous. While I do mean gorgeous in a physical sense, too, what makes you even more gorgeous is your personality. When you are carefree and confident, your love radiates. When you are dedicated to being healthy, it shows, and others will be inspired, too. Keeping pushing through and getting closer and closer to your England trip (trust me, it will be worth it. I went last summer and it was AMAZING.) I am here whenever you want to talk, so please feel free to email me (manda5 at mac dot com). Also, check out operationbeautiful.com By reading other notes and maybe even spreading some of your own, I think you will feel better inside and out.

    Have a lovely day!
    xox

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