Monthly Archives: October 2010

The Sugar-Coated Question

Hey, people!

I should be studying literature and sociology now, but since I’m practically done with the writing-and-memorizing part, I guess should take this opportunity without complaint 😉

Wow. Only… wow.

It’s amazing how much things can change within a few days.

Since I last posted, things have been much easier. Thanks to all the motivating comments you guys left me and my Mom and family’s support, I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and realized I should’t be scared to put on some weight. Isn’t it exactly what I’m needing right now? I mean… it makes no sense at all to be afraid to be healthy and happy.

And, about the therapist debate… I wanted to thank you all so much for sharing your opinion. I was able to hear different points of view around the subject, which made my decision much easier.

I just got back from a session with Clara. We talked and talked… And then we decided that our weekly sessions will be over from now on. We’ll see each other every 15 days or so, though. She said she was against me stopping now – she basically said that, even though I might be getting better recovery-wise, I should not think that’s the only reason why I should have a therapist.

But I’m not sure I’ll keep seeing her for much longer. It’s been a while, and I’m still not a fan of therapy. At all.

Oh, well… Only time will tell.

Moving on to the subject I wanted to discuss in this post – candy.

It’s been YEARS since I last chewed gum/ate candy. I mean, really – I don’t even remember how’s it like. The last time I chewed gum I was probably… what, 11 years old? I’m 15, going on 16 now.

I stopped eating any kind of gum and only-sugar candies because of ED. What’s weird though, is that even at my heaviest weight (60kg in January 09) I would not eat ANY candy. The idea of candy and gum = artificial and unhealthy stuck with me… until nowadays.

My Aunt just got back from Disneyland in Orlando. She spent almost 2 weeks there with my 4-year-old cousin and her husband. They had a BLAST, obviously! My point is: she brought small gifts for all her nephews and nieces (I know, YAY!). I won an iPod cover, an Aéropostale t-shirt, a jar of Skippy PB and lots of CANDY.

I mean Kit-Kats, Skittles, Nerds, Stabursts… All of them.

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Candy-y

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The whole package… my t-shirt’s the only thing missing!

My question is…

Should I try them?

Should I give them away?

Is it worth it?

What do you think about candy/chocolate/artificial treats? Are you for it or against it?

I’d love to hear what you guys really think about the subject 🙂

Comment away!

See you soon!

XOXO

G.

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Priorities

Salut, mes chéries!

First, I wanted to thank you all for the amazing comments I’ve been receiving. Some of them were very encouraging, and definetely made my day(s). I’ll say it again: THANK YOU!

🙂

Anyway. Things were going pretty smoothly on those last few days. I was challenging myself, facing real make-it-or-break-it fights with my own fears and demons, trying new things I was pretty sure I’d never try, even grazing a little bit…

But obviously, things had to go downhill from there.

Ok, I guess not so downhill after all. I mean… I still had the strenght to face a fear (a restaurant/bakery, to be more specific) at lunch. But, aside from that… I ate a mango for breakfast. The smallest apple on school break. Left more then half of my plate at lunch. Tried to eat some more when I got back home – half a small kiwi, 1/4 of a small strawberry (hello, grazer!) and about 3 tbsp of cottage cheese with a few green grapes and a bit of cinnamon. At dinner, half a baked sweet potato with ~2 tbsp of tuna salad and steamed veggies (chayote, kale).

I’m pretty sure that’s not a enough for a teenage girl in recovery. Not at all.

Let’s just say it’s pretty obvious that my behaviour today didn’t come out of nowhere. No – it had a reason…

Yesterday, I felt really full all day long. I’ve had yogurt mess (yogurt plus cereal) and a banana with PB for breakfast, coconut water from a real coconut about 2 hours later or so, a plate of Fettucine pasta with Roquefort (or Gorgonzola… something like that) sauce and spinach for lunch (left only a little less then a 1/2 of this! YAY!), plus a small slice of low-cal bread with tiny pieces of gorgonzola and brie cheeses and another banana with PB.

When I went to bed… I simply could not fall asleep. I felt fet. I felt horrible. I felt awful. I felt… worthless.

All I could think about was the countless different ways how I could restrict and fool my Mom throughout the day. Stupid, I know.

Then, all of a sudden, my worst fears became true. I was restricting. Again. It would happend all over again.

Only now I know that I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want to be an anorexic. I don’t want to have disordered thoughts or behaviours anymore. I’m sick of this. Just… ENOUGH.

I know all I can (and should) do is picking myself up and trying again tomorrow. And again and again. But can you understand how I feel? It’s a no-win situation. When I eat, I feel guilty/mad at myself. And when I don’t, I feel like a complete failure! Like, after all the conversations with Mom, Dad and Clara, after all this time… How could I NOT eat right, you know?

Speaking of Clara… I am really concerned about how things will work out from now on. Clara is my therapist. I’ve missed our last two sessions and I’m about to miss our third one in a row, though. Mom says I should do something. We fought. Then, we come to the conclusion… well, we came to no conclusions. All we know is that I’m either taking a break (since I was the one to miss our sessions by choice – I went out with my grandfather the first time, then I fell asleep – I was FREAKING TIRED after that Chemistry Test – and missed my appointment again on the second time and now I’m meeting one of my best friends I haven’t seen in a long time tomorrow, which will lead me to my third no-show) or really doing something about it. Changing the day and the hour of our sessions. Commiting.

The thing is… I’m actually not a big fan of thereapy. I mean, I think it’s great for others and I do believe it can be a great tool on recovery for anyone else. But for me?

I have to be honest. I simply HATE sitting at that little sofa in front of a woman I don’t really know to talk about myself. I just feel weird. I hate hearing myself talk. Specially when it comes to my own life, my own problems. It’s like I’m on the spotlight… so uncomfortable.

It’s funny how I have no trouble writing about myself, typing down my feelings. But… saying it aloud?

Hmmm… Not really. Thank you very much.

Anyhow… I’d like to know your opinion. How do you feel about therapy? Do you think it can be a good idea? Do you have a therapist/have you ever had one?

I’m looking forward to hear you’re answers 🙂

Tomorrow’s the last school-day of the week, it’s Teacher’s Day on Friday! YAHOOO!

Hahaha. I should go. I’ll be back soon!

XOXO

G.

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10/10/10

Hey, lovies!

I hope you’re all having a great weekend… Happy Thanksgiving to all my fellow canadians (like Susan, Ayla, Jolene…) and congratulations to all my Chicago-Marathoners (Meghann, Leslie, Theodora, Bobbi, Kelly…)!

I’m having a super special weekend. Since Tuesday’s a holiday in Brazil (it’s Kid’s Day!), I won’t have any classes until Wednesday. And, what’s better – Friday is Teacher’s Day, which means another day off!

I’m at Dad’s house right now. I chose to spend the weekend with him instead of mom, since she’ll be alone next weekend (my stepfather will be out traveling). I’m doing this so I can be there to help – taking care of both Lelê and Miguel will be quite a challenge!

Miguel will be 1 (month) tomorrow. He’s growing so fast! I love beeing around him. Newborns are really a blessing.

Anyhow. I’m here to talk about a tough subject…

Failure.

Case in point: History Olympics.

We went through all four phases… But on the fifth one we were eliminated :/

And you know what’s worst? I wasn’t even sad about it. No, I wasn’t really upset. I was ashamed.

The idea of telling my Mom and the rest of the family that I had failed was almost unbearable. I was too embarassed.

I considered telling you guys. But, again… I was ashamed. I felt like a total failure. Useless.

Tears came to my eyes, but I ignored them. I pretended everything was ok so I could make my friend (and team-partner) stop crying. It worked.

But then, when I got back home… It finally hit me.

I was sad. It would be perfectly normal to cry if I wanted to.

What really convinced me that “we can’t win them all”, though, was the FoodBuzz’s Project Food Blog.

Favorite bloggers of mine, like Allie, Callie, Susan, Caitlin, Sabrina, Katharina, Heather, Monica and Ashley didn’t advance to the 4th round.

And what does it mean? That they’re not good enough?

NO!

It simply means that other bloggers have received more votes. Maybe only a few more, who knows? But, again – you can’t win them all.

This situation made me realize…

Why should I be ashamed of failing? Everybody does! Nobody’s perfect! Besides, I can always try again next year. Right?

Oh, well. The joys of beeing a blogger =)

Blogging and learning, guys!

I’m so thankful for all the lessons blogworld has taught me… I do consider myself a (part-time) blogger, and blogworld does hold a special place in my heart.

Recovery-wise… It’s been getting easier. Intuitive eating is rough, but I can always count on my Mom to help me, to be there for me. It’s hard to see her eat so little (she says she wants to loose the remaining “baby fat” in her body) and keep eating, but she always encourages me to eat some more, to have some dessert. I’m so lucky to have the best Mom in the world =)

My relationship with Dad has improved, too. He has his defects, but so do I. Each day, I’m learning to love and accept him the way he is.

I’m obviously still struggling to win my battle over ED, but aside from that… You could say I’m truly happy =)

I’ll be back soon – maybe even before the end of the week(I know – two posts in a week?! It’s been too long, hahaha).

Happy 10/10/10, guys! Christmas’s not too far away!

XOXO,

G.

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Picky-Eater?

Hello, guys!

Wow. Much has changed since I last posted. For the better, obviously 🙂

I can now finally say that I no longer take pictures of my eats.

FINALLY! YAAAAAY (insert happy dance here)!

Seriously, it wasn’t so easy. Actually, it wasn’t easy at all. I’ve had a rough time stopping myself. But the point is… I did.

I feel SO much better now! So much more… free.

Dessert is not forbidden anymore. Same goes for afternoon snacks.

Mom is helping me… A LOT. Gosh, how I love my Mom… she’s honestly my biggest inspiration.

She’s now trying to cut down her meals a little bit in order to loose those last few pounds from her pregnancy. Miguel is almost a month old now, so she started going out for (small) walks around our neighborhood. She can’t leave the house for more then 30 minutes or so though, because either the baby starts crying or milk starts flowing from her breasts. It’s a no-win situation 😛

I can understand that. I mean, not seeing my Mom eating as much as she did can still make me feel a little weird about myself. But she’s always encouraging me, saying things like “I don’t need those calories as much as you do! In fact, you need twice as much.”

So I guess it won’t be that hard 🙂

On the school front, test week is over. My results were great in every subject… expect for Physics.

Gosh, I feel so guilty. I was so nervous before all my Physics exams, so I made tons of stupid mistakes… I mean, I had studied beforehand! I had studied a lot!

Oh, well. I guess all I can do now is wait for the upcoming tests… And do my best 🙂

Anyhow.

I wanted to discuss something with you guys. About… beeing picky.

Let’s just say that everyone around me thinks I’m nuts.

I’m not even kidding – while everyone is eating pasta with sausage and shrimp risotto for lunch and lemon pie for dessert, I’m heating up my plate with a baked sweet potato, sautéed spinach, roasted pumpkin, a hard-boiled egg, some farofa and about 2 tbsp of black beans. After lunch, when everyone else is choosing between lemon pie or ant cake, I’m secretly waiting until they leave to take a pear out of my fridge.

Whenever I go out, it’s always the same. “Oh, does it come with veggies? Look, Gabriela – it’ll suit you perfectly.”

I’m the “different” one. I’m the weird, freak-y daughter/sister/grandaughter/niece.

Mom and Dad say I should eat “normal food”. But I do! I mean… I may love fruits and veggies a little bit too much, but that’s what I like to eat! That’s what makes me feel better and that’s what I feel it’s good for me.

I mean… I know I need to gain weight, but why does it have to be the “old-school way”, as Dad would say? Why do I have to stuff myself with chocolate bars, candy and ice-cream? Why can’t it be “my way” – eating more but eating healthy?

That discussion confuses me a lot. At the same time that I think they’re beeing unfair and antiquated, it got me thinking. What if “eating healthy” means eating what ED wants me to? Could it be a way to keep my old behavious above suspiction?

I’m either right or wrong.

Should I keep eating what my body craves (deemed “healthy food”)?

Are they right? Is it true that I’ll never gain weight and be healthy-minded without “regular food”? Is it the “old-school method” the only way?

Help me out, people. I need some advice 🙂

Anyway, thanks (once again!) for all the nice comments you’ve left about baby Miguel. He IS the sweetiest little thing. I love him oh! so much 🙂

Some pics from the last few days (I went on a trip to São Paulo with my friends from school! It was SO FUN!)…

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Still at home, with baby Mig:“Oh, baby… Don’t cry…” took by Lelê (it’s her finger up there)

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At INPE, with friends

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Pretending we were making a speech

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At the Football Museum, in São Paulo

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Making fun faces… part I

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Part II

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Bored at the bus… Kinda, hahaha.

So… yeah. That was pretty much it 🙂

Thanks for reading, loves!

See you soon!

XOXO

G.

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