Salut, mes chéries!
First, I wanted to thank you all for the amazing comments I’ve been receiving. Some of them were very encouraging, and definetely made my day(s). I’ll say it again: THANK YOU!
Anyway. Things were going pretty smoothly on those last few days. I was challenging myself, facing real make-it-or-break-it fights with my own fears and demons, trying new things I was pretty sure I’d never try, even grazing a little bit…
But obviously, things had to go downhill from there.
Ok, I guess not so downhill after all. I mean… I still had the strenght to face a fear (a restaurant/bakery, to be more specific) at lunch. But, aside from that… I ate a mango for breakfast. The smallest apple on school break. Left more then half of my plate at lunch. Tried to eat some more when I got back home – half a small kiwi, 1/4 of a small strawberry (hello, grazer!) and about 3 tbsp of cottage cheese with a few green grapes and a bit of cinnamon. At dinner, half a baked sweet potato with ~2 tbsp of tuna salad and steamed veggies (chayote, kale).
I’m pretty sure that’s not a enough for a teenage girl in recovery. Not at all.
Let’s just say it’s pretty obvious that my behaviour today didn’t come out of nowhere. No – it had a reason…
Yesterday, I felt really full all day long. I’ve had yogurt mess (yogurt plus cereal) and a banana with PB for breakfast, coconut water from a real coconut about 2 hours later or so, a plate of Fettucine pasta with Roquefort (or Gorgonzola… something like that) sauce and spinach for lunch (left only a little less then a 1/2 of this! YAY!), plus a small slice of low-cal bread with tiny pieces of gorgonzola and brie cheeses and another banana with PB.
When I went to bed… I simply could not fall asleep. I felt fet. I felt horrible. I felt awful. I felt… worthless.
All I could think about was the countless different ways how I could restrict and fool my Mom throughout the day. Stupid, I know.
Then, all of a sudden, my worst fears became true. I was restricting. Again. It would happend all over again.
Only now I know that I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want to be an anorexic. I don’t want to have disordered thoughts or behaviours anymore. I’m sick of this. Just… ENOUGH.
I know all I can (and should) do is picking myself up and trying again tomorrow. And again and again. But can you understand how I feel? It’s a no-win situation. When I eat, I feel guilty/mad at myself. And when I don’t, I feel like a complete failure! Like, after all the conversations with Mom, Dad and Clara, after all this time… How could I NOT eat right, you know?
Speaking of Clara… I am really concerned about how things will work out from now on. Clara is my therapist. I’ve missed our last two sessions and I’m about to miss our third one in a row, though. Mom says I should do something. We fought. Then, we come to the conclusion… well, we came to no conclusions. All we know is that I’m either taking a break (since I was the one to miss our sessions by choice – I went out with my grandfather the first time, then I fell asleep – I was FREAKING TIRED after that Chemistry Test – and missed my appointment again on the second time and now I’m meeting one of my best friends I haven’t seen in a long time tomorrow, which will lead me to my third no-show) or really doing something about it. Changing the day and the hour of our sessions. Commiting.
The thing is… I’m actually not a big fan of thereapy. I mean, I think it’s great for others and I do believe it can be a great tool on recovery for anyone else. But for me?
I have to be honest. I simply HATE sitting at that little sofa in front of a woman I don’t really know to talk about myself. I just feel weird. I hate hearing myself talk. Specially when it comes to my own life, my own problems. It’s like I’m on the spotlight… so uncomfortable.
It’s funny how I have no trouble writing about myself, typing down my feelings. But… saying it aloud?
Hmmm… Not really. Thank you very much.
Anyhow… I’d like to know your opinion. How do you feel about therapy? Do you think it can be a good idea? Do you have a therapist/have you ever had one?
I’m looking forward to hear you’re answers 🙂
Tomorrow’s the last school-day of the week, it’s Teacher’s Day on Friday! YAHOOO!
Hahaha. I should go. I’ll be back soon!