And I Go Back To December All The Time

So… I might be just a teeeny little bit obsessed about T-Swift’s (aka Snackface’s dopplegangster) new-to-me song “Back To December”. But it’s true – I’ve been really thinking a lot about what I’ve been doing since the beginning of the month.

Hello, everyone! Happy December.

Anyhow… In other words, as I said before, recovery isn’t easy. I’ll be honest with you – I’ve came to a point where everyone compliments me instead of talking about my unhealthy “skiny-ness” behind my back. “Gosh, you’re so beautiful… and tiny… and skinny…”

GUYS.

C’mon. Being thin DOES NOT equal being beautiful. Or healthy, for that matter.

But, my point is… it’s hard enough to convince myself of that. Hearing this stupid compliments from others…

I know it shouldn’t make me feel good. I usually react in a awkward way, in a mix of “thanks” with “I’m really not…”.But deep inside I know ED is smiling. Widely.

And I just hate that.

Why do I feel like I’ve “already gained enough”? Why am I so attached to my super-skinny jeans?

The truth is – I don’t think I could bare seeing those not fit. I think I’d totally freak out… considering I own only 3 pants (all of them are jeans, and really small). I’m so embarassed to ask Mom for new jeans… She’s taking care of a 3-month-old baby, she’s not working… we were supposed to save money. I was supposed to help her out with that.

But how can I go out without pants? Without shorts?

My old wardrobe is completely forgotten. As you may recall, back in January 2009 I was… “chubby”. Maybe even overweight. It’ll be hard for me to share this, but… Here it goes (proof):

SDC11797

The pants I’m wearing here were the only ones that fitted me at that time. Right after taking this picture, we tried to find me a new pair of jeans… Without much luck. Every single one made me look… well, “fat”. According, not to me, but to Mom and Grandma. (Side note: Ok, so maybe they didn’t use the “F” word… But they meant to. You know? “This one looks a little too tight… That one doesn’t look good on you… You should try a larger one… Or maybe even a bit larger… etc.)

Anyway. Wow, I just realized how childish and whiny I sound. I beg your pardon. Please don’t think I’m hugely depressed and extremely sad – I’m doing well, too! It’s just that I tend to write about what annoys me. Sorry, everyone.

Moving on to the good news: I just got back from a little city in the countryside of São Paulo with Mom and Baby Mig named “Piracicaba”. I was invited to sing at “Casa de Noel” (Santa’s House), a project that offers a Christmas-themed show/concert featuring basically Santa Claus, his wife and his “elf” (aka me). It was SO much fun! We did 3 concerts:

show1   

Concert #2

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Right after Concert #3 – with Baby Mig, Grandma and my young assistent (little Nino! I love love love him.)

I’ll be showing y’all better pics as soon as I can – for now, I have only a few ones from my own camera or from Casa de Noel’s website and Facebook page.

So, as you can probably tell, not everything’s lost! I’m not exactly sad right now 😉 It’s just that… ED voice keeps bugging and annoying me for some reason. Go figure. I’m sure it’ll fade… with time.

I promise to be back soon!

XOXO to all of you,

G.

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12 Comments

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12 responses to “And I Go Back To December All The Time

  1. Glad to see a post from you! 🙂
    Just keep your chin up girl. I know you know what is right–and keep doing what you KNOW is right and healthy…not what you keep hearing ED mumbling inside of your head. When you get those feelings of ED coming back, just think of how miserable, tired, COMPLETELY drained and depressed you were. And then think of how you are now…maybe you're not 100% yet, but if you keep up the way you're going now, you will be there soon. Promise 🙂
    Visit my blog anytime!!
    http://greensk8r-fireandice.blogspot.com
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  2. For what it's worth, I think you're beautiful in both pictures. I've never had a true eating disorder, but I've definitely dealt with fluctuating weight. It can be tough, but you're a strong person, I can tell! 🙂

  3. I think it is so true when you said, Being thin does not equal being Beautiful! I think we can all have our moments like that so it is an important thing to keep reminding yourself.

  4. Glad to hear you're doing ok! Don't let the ED get to you. He does not know what he's talking about. At all. He keeps telling me I'm fat over and over again, yet I have this sickly skinny pictures of me that I took the night before!

    Anyway, I know how hard it is to ask for bigger jeans but I think it would be a step in the right direction. The little jeans are just holding you back, and to get rid of them would be a really big step. I see it as almost a way of letting another part of Ed go.

    Take care, you can do this!(:
    -Danielle

  5. I agree with Kristen, keeping reminding yourself of what beauty is and make sure that you are putting yourself as a priority!

  6. I am so glad to hear from you! I know how you feel right now, change is hard 😦 but just keep reminding yourself how much happier you are and how beautiful you are. Things will get easier <3

    Praying for you!

    Scott

  7. That is such a cool thing to be able to do! I hope you have a really happy Christmas 🙂 and keep focussed on all the positive things that this time of year brings ♥

  8. It's nice to see you posting again and I hope that you are doing well. I know it's hard to ask for some new pants, but you need to. Its not like you're asking for designer jeans or something impractical. Buy some inexpensive pairs so you aren't worried about being attached to them for any reason.

  9. Stay strong love! You're gorgeous!!

  10. You are beautiful in both picture dear. Don't worry about a thing!

  11. I know what you mean about the compliments. Every time I see family I hear things like, “You're wasting away” (not true I am a healthy weight) or “You just look so good and tiny.” I understand their intention is good, but I'd rather just have them treat me and talk to me normally.

    P.S. I don't know a lot about your ED history, but you look good in those elf photos.

  12. Gosh, I know how comments can hurt. Which is stupid, because they hurt when they are compliments too, right?
    Few days ago, I went to do some shopping, I needed a winter coat. And the girl in the store told me a few times how I have a great body. All I thought was how that means I'm not skinny enough… stupid, right?
    Girl, if you'll need a pair of bigger pants, I bet that will make your mom happy. And that doesn't make you a bad daughter, or fat. 0 isn't size healthy, almost for anyone. Love, Marina

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